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LJ Idol IX - 25. Shibusa







October ends.
The bleak wet autumn night
Is painted orange
By the streetlamps' glow.

The air chills
And soft, unseen, take flight
The first few sallies
Of new winter's snow.

The world is still.
Enshrouded in white
It waits till morning
And sun's warmth to thaw.


Comments

( 29 comments — Leave a comment )
kehlen_crow
Oct. 20th, 2014 07:39 pm (UTC)
ConCrit is welcome.


First snow unexpectedly fell last night and stayed until this afternoon, but now it is raining and too warm for it to stay, of course.
alycewilson
Oct. 23rd, 2014 03:33 pm (UTC)
I like the conciseness of this imagery very much. Definitely sense an Asian influence. My only concrit would be to strive for some more surprising descriptions, such as the "sallies" of snow. Nature poems often use the image of colors being painted on a landscape. Perhaps there would be a more unusual way to say that.

This entry gets my vote, though. :)
kehlen_crow
Oct. 30th, 2014 03:55 pm (UTC)
This translates into: take more time to think your entries through (because the more time I turn over the lines of them in my head, the better ones come up to replaces even those I was pretty happy with). I cannot yet do it consciously though.

Thank you, I will keep this in mind. :-)
medleymisty
Oct. 21st, 2014 01:29 am (UTC)
I can see how this would fit with shibusa. :)
kehlen_crow
Oct. 21st, 2014 10:38 am (UTC)
Thank you. I tried to keep it clear and simple :)
theun4givables
Oct. 21st, 2014 11:21 am (UTC)
Such a quiet and tranquil feel to this. :)
kehlen_crow
Oct. 21st, 2014 11:36 am (UTC)
Aw, thank you. This was exactly the atmosphere I was trying to create :-)
eternal_ot
Oct. 21st, 2014 11:33 am (UTC)
Lovely Imagery..Fits the prompt well..:)
kehlen_crow
Oct. 21st, 2014 12:49 pm (UTC)
Thank you :)
captivebird
Oct. 21st, 2014 12:56 pm (UTC)
Beautifully evocative autumn poem.

Alas the council has just replaced the streetlights up our road with horrid, harsh white ones. No more low-level, warm, orange glow. It's like having a searchlight glaring at us from across the street. May need to buy thicker curtains and write a poem of complaint!

Edited at 2014-10-21 12:59 pm (UTC)
kehlen_crow
Oct. 21st, 2014 02:01 pm (UTC)
Yes, please do. It's amazing how poems let you express so much in so few words. :)
meridian_rose
Oct. 21st, 2014 02:59 pm (UTC)
Evocative, short and effective :)
kehlen_crow
Oct. 21st, 2014 03:11 pm (UTC)
Thank you <3
oxymoron67
Oct. 21st, 2014 04:16 pm (UTC)
So beautiful and tranquil as others have said.

kehlen_crow
Oct. 22nd, 2014 01:15 pm (UTC)
Thank you :)
whipchick
Oct. 22nd, 2014 03:31 pm (UTC)
The image of the snow sallying forth is lovely!
kehlen_crow
Oct. 23rd, 2014 02:16 pm (UTC)
Thank you!
rayaso
Oct. 22nd, 2014 08:39 pm (UTC)
The imagery and simplicity fit shibusa so well!
kehlen_crow
Oct. 23rd, 2014 02:19 pm (UTC)
Thank you <3
ellison
Oct. 22nd, 2014 10:23 pm (UTC)
I really enjoyed this!!
kehlen_crow
Oct. 23rd, 2014 02:19 pm (UTC)
I am glad you did :-)
halfshellvenus
Oct. 23rd, 2014 01:07 am (UTC)
You make it sound beautiful even though October snow is rarely welcome.

The phrasing here is delicately serene.
kehlen_crow
Oct. 23rd, 2014 02:18 pm (UTC)
Welcome or not, end of October used to be when the snow fell and no longer melted here, so it is not surprising, even after the past several too-warm "European" winters.

Thank you!
karmasoup
Oct. 23rd, 2014 04:36 am (UTC)
I love this. This is my favorite time of year, so it was a little sad... I'm not really looking forward to winter, but it's always delicate, soft, and even beautiful, at first. This is a lovely tribute to nature.
kehlen_crow
Oct. 23rd, 2014 03:30 pm (UTC)
Thank you :)
adoptedwriter
Oct. 23rd, 2014 05:48 pm (UTC)
Reminds me of how winter came a bit early last fall in Ohio. Nice , descriptive and concise. AW
kehlen_crow
Oct. 30th, 2014 03:58 pm (UTC)
Thank you. :-)

The winter did not really start last week. We are back to almost 10C during the day now (50F), but some clamps of snow still linger in shadowy places.
favoritebean
Oct. 24th, 2014 12:52 am (UTC)
Lovely poem.
kehlen_crow
Oct. 30th, 2014 03:56 pm (UTC)
Thank you :)
( 29 comments — Leave a comment )

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