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My parents have a friend, I've known him all my life.
At first, when I was little, his presence caused me strife.
His visits to our home, he would sit next to me
And his most simple questions would send me "to the fields".
I did not know back then, I still don't know now
How can most inane phrases come off as teasing salvos.

And then I went to college, and started growing up,
And one day I decided: Enough, enough, enough.
So during his next visit, when he went off again,
I no longer answered his teasing in old vein.
I stayed there right beside him, and held in my reaction,
And no longer gave him my flight in satisfaction.

That day will stay forever before my mind's eye
For he looked very young then, unsure, lost, hung dry.
I felt very vindicated in that one perfect moment,
For he was now the one experiencing the torment
Of being all wrong-footed, left drifting at wide sea
Since that's exactly how his teasing had felt to me.

Comments

( 29 comments — Leave a comment )
kehlen_crow
Dec. 4th, 2016 12:05 pm (UTC)
ConCrit is welcome.

In my head, I hear this as a sing-song little chanty. Is it at all easy to read, and does rhythm I hear come through?
rayaso
Dec. 4th, 2016 03:47 pm (UTC)
You nailed the rhythm, and rhyming couplets are hard to sustain. You did a great job. I especially liked the way "that one friend" was not your friend but your parent's friend, who was actually a jerk to you. I always enjoy poetry, but especially poems with a definite rhythm/rhyme scheme. The constraints of whatever form is chosen requires real creativity to express what you want to say in the proper form. Excellent job!
kehlen_crow
Dec. 4th, 2016 04:32 pm (UTC)
I don't know anything about poetry forms, only try to ensure whatever form emerges stays the same throughout. I am glad it worked :)

I spent more time choosing an interpretation of the topic than writing the poem, and this is what kind of chose itself.

Thank you!
fannishliss
Dec. 5th, 2016 01:07 am (UTC)
You did a great job with this. I definitely feel the rhythm in the words.

Sometimes setting words to rhyme and rhythm can be a little awkward, but your meaning is so clear that your poem has a lot of grace. :)
kehlen_crow
Dec. 6th, 2016 01:55 pm (UTC)
Thank you :). And yes, it is sometimes difficult to find the word that both have the meaning you seek and also fits the rhyme.
halfshellvenus
Dec. 5th, 2016 10:09 pm (UTC)
I liked that the friend here was not yours, he was your parents'-- and he was a friend you wished they did not have, since he seemed to spend a lot of time making you feel uncomfortable and awkward.

That you made him feel the same, finally? Well, I hope he learned something.
kehlen_crow
Dec. 6th, 2016 01:58 pm (UTC)
He did, and I don't think he ever tried it since then, that made me learn to appreciate his company even.

rswndrlst
Dec. 5th, 2016 10:20 pm (UTC)
I agree with the comment about your meaning being clear enough it becomes graceful.

It almost reads like a parable meant to remind someone to stand up for themselves with the chantyness
kehlen_crow
Dec. 6th, 2016 01:59 pm (UTC)
Thank you.

I did not purposefully put that parable here, but standing up for myself has been on my mind a lot of late, so and has carried over into the poem :).
uselesstinrelic
Dec. 8th, 2016 04:49 am (UTC)
Admittedly I'm not deeply fond of poems, but I appreciate some of the rhymes you chose here. Good work!
kehlen_crow
Dec. 8th, 2016 09:29 am (UTC)
Thank you.

I am right with you at not being deeply fond of poems, but I usually give those on Idol a chance, and sometimes I am glad I do :)
ellison
Dec. 8th, 2016 06:58 am (UTC)
I like this a lot!
kehlen_crow
Dec. 8th, 2016 09:28 am (UTC)
Thank you!
murielle
Dec. 8th, 2016 08:36 am (UTC)
I appreciate what you are attempting here, I think you mostly succeeded.

And the moral of the story is don't tease children.

Great, and very unique take on the prompt.
kehlen_crow
Dec. 8th, 2016 09:27 am (UTC)
Thank you.

Yes, there was a line or two where I had to sacrifice good rhymes when all the words I could think of did not fit quite so.
murielle
Dec. 8th, 2016 11:10 am (UTC)
What you were doing is hard. Really hard. Kudos for doing it.
eternal_ot
Dec. 8th, 2016 11:48 am (UTC)
I have been missing poetry. So I enjoyed reading this :) It rhymed well and I loved the fact that it had a lesson to learn in the end. Good Job! Kudos!
kehlen_crow
Dec. 8th, 2016 03:48 pm (UTC)
Thank you :-)

The lesson was actually even sweeter than it showed here because we have a family legend. When grandmother Lida and her brother Apollon were little, he used to tease and tease her, and she complained to their mother, who advised her not to react. And it worked so well, Apollon ran to the mother complaining "he was teasing Lida and she wouldn't tease" :-)
bleodswean
Dec. 8th, 2016 06:21 pm (UTC)
*applauds* Great poem and fantastic sentiment! Brava!
kehlen_crow
Dec. 8th, 2016 09:35 pm (UTC)
Thank you. *bows*
m_malcontent
Dec. 8th, 2016 06:55 pm (UTC)
Neat I enjoy poetry in the competition
kehlen_crow
Dec. 8th, 2016 09:37 pm (UTC)
Thank you.

I feel odd when I write some, because I always struggle reading others similar pieces, but I am often glad I make myself struggle, because some talk to me very loudly.
magazhchi
Dec. 8th, 2016 07:46 pm (UTC)

This was an amazing take. I enjoyed reading it.

kehlen_crow
Dec. 8th, 2016 09:41 pm (UTC)
Thank you for your kind words.
penpusher
Dec. 8th, 2016 09:23 pm (UTC)
Quite interesting! And I wonder about the challenge of writing this piece - did you write and then translate to English, or did you write it in English?

I wouldn't know where to begin to write even a couplet in Russian!
kehlen_crow
Dec. 8th, 2016 09:58 pm (UTC)
The strange thing is that finding rhymes is not that much of a challenge if I am in a certain frame of mind.

I never translate Idol entries from Russian, it would make them worse. Actually, an important step in learning a foreign language is to make yourself speak that language at once, without going through your own first, because otherwise it much more difficult to avoid translating things literally instead of interpreting them.

penpusher
Dec. 8th, 2016 11:23 pm (UTC)
I completely agree with that method of language learning, and it also helps to explain why Americans are so terrible at learning other languages, well half of the reason... We typically don't even get to hear anything other than English (some Spanish, depending on where in the country you live is likely the next most common tongue), but the method of teaching does make it completely clunky and incorrect! So, you basically think in English! That's the way!
cheapxdate
Dec. 8th, 2016 09:46 pm (UTC)
This is well done. I really struggle with writing poetry myself and so I always admire and appreciate those who are able to pull it off. Nice work!
kehlen_crow
Dec. 8th, 2016 10:00 pm (UTC)
Thank you!

Sometimes I struggle too, but more often the rhyming word floats up in my mind even as I finish the previous line. The set of mind in which this happens makes me feel really odd though :)
( 29 comments — Leave a comment )

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