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"Talent is an accident of genes,
and a responsibility."
Alan Rickman



It was early October 2010, and I was happily broke. Not a month earlier, I had returned from the longest, before and since, vacation abroad in my life, having spent a week in Boston with friends and three on a road trip through the Western states with a group of fellow fans of Joe Dassin.

(They say Las Vegas is a sin city. This may have been a coincidence, but the only time I felt irritated with the other group members was in that town. One of us was an accountant by day, a sometimes DJ on his local radio station in Southern France by night, and the second fluent English speaker among six francophones and a Russian. He was an amiable man, as were all others, and Las Vegas was the only time I saw other, baser motivations raise inside him, when we were discussing who was seeing which show on our only full night there.

When it turned out I was not attending any, I was joined for a stroll and the evening meal by two old ladies whose company I normally greatly enjoyed. That evening though I was appalled by feeling anger at being "stuck babysitting" them (a thought that will always shame me). No, I did not like Las Vegas at all.)

But I digress. It was October 2010, I was broke and owed my parents 800 euro for the second part of the trip. It was also then that I read on a friend's Twitter that it had taken her forever to buy a subscription on the site of one of New York's theatres, but she was happy to have finally gotten through. I jokingly asked what occasion merited that much effort, and I will be forever grateful that I did. Henrik Ibsen's John Gabriel Borkman was transferring from Dublin to New York, and she wanted to buy tickets to that play starring both our favourite actor Alan Rickman as soon as presales opened to the subscribers.

Are you familiar with the sensation of fire "springing up under your skirt"? This was when I first learned that it was not figurative, this expression. That when the occasion is special, when you know you have to get up and do something, every cell of your body blazes up with the will to do it, your head spins with excitement, and the amount effort you will have to extend to reach your goal matters not at all, for you see it not as a hindrance but a stepping stone.

I knew I would do everything to be there as well, despite being eight time zones away, broke, not a live theatre fan yet, and already having forfeited the dream to see the play in Ireland earlier that year. I chose to see my Boston friends instead then, having missed their wedding three years prior. I chose to pay respect to Joe Dassin at his resting place on the Hollywood Forever cemetery in Los Angeles. Besides the extra expense, there was little chance, I had thought, of an single, low-income, property-less young woman like myself being granted not one, but two first-time visas to new countries, one of them as notoriously difficult at accepting applications as the U.S., and another a complete unknown like Ireland, or as difficult if not more as Great Britain, if I were to choose travelling through their territory at first.

Now though, I had an open U.S. multi-visa that I was unlikely to make a better use of, and all that remained was will and money. Will for that occasion I had in spades. Money, like time, there is very often as much of as you make of it.

More debt, a lot of extra work, cutting expenses I had thought inevitable before and a slew of disbelieving preparations later saw me in New York for the second time in less than six months (I had stayed a few days there on my way from Boston to Los Angeles).

Why Alan Rickman? I do not know. I call it non-incidental accidents, discovering my favourite people. He is special as an actor. You see him as yet another person from the first seconds he appears on screen, there is not transition from actor to character. But many actors are like that. Not as many as one would like, but still many, and not everyone of them makes you... I dislike the word "fan" for being so close to "fanatic". It does not make them someone you wish well all the time, someone you are simply happy to exist at the same time as, day in and day out.

I do not know what makes certain people resonate with your soul, what makes you learn from them when they are not teaching, what in them inspires you to step out and up. I only know that some people do, and I am grateful for each and every one of them and will ever be.


******


"Талант это генетическая случайность,
а также ответственность."
Алан Рикман


В начале октября 2010 года я пребывала в блаженном безденежье, вернувшись месяцем ранее из самого долгого в своей жизни заграничного путешествия, во время которого я провела неделю у друзей в Бостоне и три с группой поклонников Джо Дассена в западных штатах, на так называемой автомобильной прогулке ("road trip").

(Лас-Вегас называют городом греха. Может быть это элементарное совпадение, но именно там единственный раз я испытала сильное раздражение другими участниками поездки. Один из нас, днём бухгалтер, отдельными вечерами - диджей на местной станции где-то на юге Франции и второй свободно говоривший по-английски член коллектива, состоявшего из шести франкофонов и одной русской, как и все остальные, был очень приятным дядечкой. Но именно в Лас-Вегасе мне показался грязноватым блеск в его глазах, когда мы стали обсуждать, кто на какие представления отправится единственным свободным там вечером.

Когда выяснилось, что я ничего смотреть не собираюсь, прогуляться и поужинать вместе со мной собрались ещё две женщины, общество которых мне обычно очень нравилось. В тот же день я с отвращением поймала себя на злобной мысли, что не хочу с ними "нянчиться" (никогда её себе не прощу). Да, Лас-Вегас мне категорически не понравился.)

Но я отвлеклась. К октябрю 2010 года я не только истратила все те немногие деньги, которые у меня были, но и была должна родителям 800 евро за вторую часть поездки. И тогда же я прочитала в твиттере знакомой жалобу на то, как долго и нудно она покупала членство в один из нью-йоркских театров (членство, это не абонемент, а плата за доступ к более раннему заказу билетов, приглашениям на интервью с актёрами и прочим плюшкам). Я шутливо спросила, стоило ли оно того. Один твит, которого могло и не быть, и без которого я бы, скорее всего, слишком поздно узнала о переносе в Нью-Йорк из Дублина пьесы Генрика Ибсена "Йун Габриэль Боркман", главную роль в которой исполнил Алан Рикман.

Вам знакомо ощущение, когда "горит" что-то делать? Тогда я его испытала в первый раз в его настоящем, вовсе не фигуральном значении. Когда действительно горит, кажется, что каждая клеточка тела хочет вскочить и побежать, что под "пятую точку" на каждый стул подложили пружину, а голова идёт кругом от возбуждения. В таком состоянии никакие усилия, необходимые для исполнения задуманного, не помеха, а всего лишь не слишком важная часть пути к нему.

Я поняла, что сделаю всё возможное, чтобы посмотреть пьесу, несмотря тысячи километров до Нью-Йорка, отстутствие денег и настоящего интереса к театру, и несмотря на то, что в тот год я уже пожертвовала возможностью посмотреть спектакль в Ирландии. Вместо него я решила поехать к друзьям в Бостон, тем более что тремя годами ранее я пропустила их свадьбу. Вместо него я решила отдать долг памяти Джо Дассену на клабище в Лос-Анджелесе. Ехать сразу в две страны было бы накладно, к тому же я была почти уверена, что хотя бы в одной первичной визе безмужней небогатой молодой женщине без собственности точно откажут, если не известные своим визовым скупердяйством американцы, то неизвестно как относящиеся к приезжим ирландцы, или такие же скупые на них англичане, реши я посетить также и Великобританию (с английской визой пускают также и в Ирландию, или во всяком случае пускали пять лет назад).

Теперь же, в октябре, на руках у меня была годичная мультивиза в США, оставалось найти только желание и деньги. Желания было хоть отбавляй, что же до денег, денег очень часто бывает столько же, сколько и времени: сколько "сделаешь", найдёшь, выскребешь по сусекам, столько и будет.

Набрав ещё больше долгов и несколько видов подработки, сократив расходы на вещи, которые когда-то казались необходимыми, и после подготовки в тумане "я не верю, что всё получилось", я за второй раз меньше за шесть месяцев оказалась в Нью-Йорке (первый раз остановилась в нём на несколько дней по дороге из Бостона в Лос-Анджелес).

Почему Алан Рикман? Не знаю. Я называю обстоятельства, которые дарят мне дорогих людей, неслучайными совпадениями. Он очень хороший актёр. С первых же секунд появления на экране видишь персонажа, нет задержки вхождения в образ, когда сначала это известный тебе актёр и только потом уже герой. Но таких актёров много. Не так много, как хотелось, бы, но гораздо, гораздо больше чем тех, кто ... Я не люблю слова "фанат" и "фанатеть", они слишком близки к фанатичности, и недолюбливую слово "поклонник", оно сколяняется к идолу. Просто хороших актёров больше, чем людей, которым постоянно и большую часть времени подсознательно желаешь всего хорошего, тех, с кем радостно просто существовать в одно время, пусть и в разных местах.

Я не знаю, почему с какими-то людьми чувствуешь себя на одной частоте, почему у них учишься, когда они ничему и никого не учат, что в них заставляет тебя шагать вовне и ввысь. Но я знаю, что такие люди есть, и я благодарна и всегда буду благодарна каждому из них.

Comments

( 37 comments — Leave a comment )
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kehlen_crow
Jan. 15th, 2016 12:03 am (UTC)
To fellow Idolers: my LJ is bilingual, both parts of most entries speaking about the same events but often in slightly different words. I don't normally do it this way for Idol entries, but this week is an exception.

No ConCrit, please, only typos/incorrect word usage if any.
majesticarky
Jan. 15th, 2016 01:41 am (UTC)
Good tribute! Kinda of eerie how you told me yesterday you were kind of worried... I thought a little about it at the time, but again this week... Ugh terrible week.

Are you looking for constructive criticism?

Edit: Ok nevermind, I didn't see the other post. I have no concrit on grammar.

Edited at 2016-01-15 01:42 am (UTC)
adoptedwriter
Jan. 15th, 2016 04:38 pm (UTC)
Awesome last couple of lines! AW
kehlen_crow
Jan. 18th, 2016 04:18 pm (UTC)
Thank you.
furzicle
Jan. 15th, 2016 05:31 pm (UTC)
When I first saw on Facebook a friend's outraged alarm that Alan Rickman had died, the first person I thought of was you. But as this was the first person who had said anything, and he not being a world renowned source, I hesitated to follow through on my instinct to share regrets with you. By your own announcement, I can now offer my condolences. Your eagerness to take advantage of every instance available to you to attend his performances is a testament to the value in seizing opportunities, even MAKING opportunities to enjoy something in the moment, rather than putting off such things to the indefinite future. A small solace, but at least now you can enjoy all the retrospectives of his life's works.

Warm thoughts,

Julie

***************

A small grammatical note, when speaking of visas you compared Ireland to the US, to Britain, your phrase should have read (per American usage) "as difficult if not more THAN" rather than "if not more as."
kehlen_crow
Jan. 18th, 2016 04:38 pm (UTC)
Thank you, Julie.

After all the false reports about celebrities' death, we have learned to be cautious when such new first hit and wait for respectable news outlets to report the same. It still does not make it any easier when it is a person you deeply respect that leaves this world.

Part of the reason I went to see that play back then (even though I rather carefully avoided formulating it openly) was that after someone reaches a certain age, you might not have a chance afterward if you don't use the one you are given. I have since amended that to exclude the age, because anything can happen at any time.

And of course seeing an artist perform right in front of you is a very different thing to watching the records (even when the performance does not go as smoothly as one hopes for. I am not talking about Alan Rickman's plays here, because each and everyone of his was always very good, but some other plays I have seen since then).

---
Thank you for the correction. Prepositions are always difficult for me to use correctly. So, in this phrase, the second preposition is used with the second part of it, "more THAN", and not the first "as difficult AS". I will try to remember this.

Edited at 2016-01-18 04:39 pm (UTC)
rayaso
Jan. 15th, 2016 06:16 pm (UTC)
A wonderful tribute, and I'm glad you wrote it. Alan Rickman has long been one of my favorite actors. I love him in Sense and Sensibility. You are fortunate to have seen him on stage. I am not familiar with "the sensation of fire 'springing up under your skirt'" but it is a great expression. I also enjoyed the way you worked your reminiscences of your trip into this.
kehlen_crow
Jan. 18th, 2016 08:33 pm (UTC)
Thank you.

Did you know, when they were filming Sense and Sensibility, the wedding was actually one of the first scenes with Rickman to be made, and everyone was kind of awkward, because the actors were not yet very well acquainted :)
captivebird
Jan. 15th, 2016 07:13 pm (UTC)
Well you already know that I too credit AR with spurring me to travel (to Dublin) and I am so glad that I did. Very special memories.
kehlen_crow
Jan. 18th, 2016 08:59 pm (UTC)
Yes, they are.

The first first time I saw the play, where, as you remember, he only appeared in the second act, I actually felt where on the stage he was going to enter from, and I did not know before :-)
halfshellvenus
Jan. 15th, 2016 11:02 pm (UTC)
I can see why you so very much wanted to write this for "void", and why it would be important to share such heartfelt passion in both languages.

what makes you learn from them when they are not teaching,
Lovely phrasing. Some people just have this quality, although it is not common.

If you have not already seen him in "Sense and Sensibility" and "Truly, Madly, Deeply," I recommend both. It seems unlikely that you have not, but those are both wonderful performances and I hate to see his range ignored solely in favor of Snape (or more broadly, villains).
kehlen_crow
Jan. 18th, 2016 09:18 pm (UTC)
Some people just have this quality, although it is not common.

I very often develop serious crushes on such people, too.

I have seen both, and Truly, Madly, Deeply is my favourite movie with him in it. You should also watch Snow Cake if you have not, which is one of my favourite roles.

I do not even know where this single-minded opinion about him mostly playing villains came from. Yes, there is Snape (but as Rickman himself said in one of interviews, is he a villain?) and the Sheriff of Nottingham (who is a psycho first and foremost, and also stole that miserable movie from start to finish), and Judge Turpin and Hans Gruber (the only two real villains I can think of), but all those other roles and dimensions and nd and. And I could babble on and on, of course...
witchwife
Jan. 16th, 2016 12:19 pm (UTC)
This was lovely to read. My favourite line was 'happily broke' - can definitely identify with this feeling and the adventure that it can signify.

I've been thinking about role models a lot lately and how I've never really had one. I'm jealous of people (such as yourself) who do and are able to draw inspiration from them.

kehlen_crow
Jan. 18th, 2016 09:32 pm (UTC)
I have had little crushes on good teachers for as long as I can remember, but this was the first time I took a more active action than doing well in class :)

Thank you.
kathrynrose
Jan. 16th, 2016 05:33 pm (UTC)
I do not know what makes certain people resonate with your soul, what makes you learn from them when they are not teaching,

Well said. I've felt that way as well. No explaining it, they just do.
kehlen_crow
Jan. 18th, 2016 09:47 pm (UTC)
And it is such a wonderful sweet feeling.

Thank you for commenting :)
alycewilson
Jan. 16th, 2016 06:33 pm (UTC)
It's good that you got a chance to see him live. Like you, I often do anything to make something happen when I am determined.
kehlen_crow
Jan. 18th, 2016 10:00 pm (UTC)
Plays and concerts are usually the occasions when this feeling is the strongest in me. I keep hoping that one day it will help me do some practical things, but it does not happen. Maybe it's the way it should be.

Thank you.
murielle
Jan. 16th, 2016 07:19 pm (UTC)
Wow! That exciting. So glad you got the chance to see him in person.

Edited at 2016-01-16 07:21 pm (UTC)
kehlen_crow
Jan. 18th, 2016 10:14 pm (UTC)
Thank you.

Yes, I saw him in two plays, this one and Seminar a year later, and I am indeed lucky to having been able to do it.
dmousey
Jan. 16th, 2016 11:48 pm (UTC)
It has not been a good week for British Icons. I adored Alan Rickman also. He was an extraordinary man, and by Grabthor's Hammer- He will be remembered!

Thanks for writing fellow Norbie... Peace~~~D
kehlen_crow
Jan. 18th, 2016 10:12 pm (UTC)
Yes, he will be, with a lot of gratitude as well.

Thank you.
twissie
Jan. 17th, 2016 01:18 pm (UTC)
I have never seen any of my favourite actors perform live on stage, so I can only imagine what sort of impact it would have - what sort of bond it would create. This was a wonderful tribute, really well written. It's been a sad week :/
kehlen_crow
Jan. 18th, 2016 10:10 pm (UTC)
You should try. I went that time partly because I knew I might not get another chance because of his age :( but I have realized since then that age does not mean a thing, that if you lose the chance, you may not have another one for too many reasons.

Oh, yes, the very first performance was unforgettable. It was also the first time in my life I was sitting in the first row of orchestra. I was quite unable to enjoy theatre sitting further than 6th row ever since. When you are this close, you see every tiniest change of expression on the actors faces and how spit flies out of their mouths and when they are good, it's unlike anything else.
dee_aar2
Jan. 18th, 2016 03:09 am (UTC)
This a wonderful take on void. And your writing had quite a few sentences with great impact.

" I call it non incidental accidents ... discovering my favorite people "

" I dislike fan for being so close to fanatic " That is something that has given me food for thought.

The whole paragraph explaining the sensation of " Springing up under your skirt " and your ending paragraph - I could so relate to that.



kehlen_crow
Jan. 18th, 2016 10:16 pm (UTC)
Thank you. I am glad the wording worked for you, because I sometimes am not sure if playing with words is a good thing or not :)
aresrising05
Jan. 18th, 2016 07:42 am (UTC)
He's going to be sorely missed
kehlen_crow
Jan. 18th, 2016 10:06 pm (UTC)
Yes, he will be.
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